Guess who's going to Chi-town next semester! UIUC here I come, ain't nothing gonna stop this.
Let’s make it official with an entry, right here so everyone can know it. In the book of “things that matter most” today was a great, momentous day. Nothing happened. Arizona is putting on quite the show for her residents and I gotta say it makes me feel good. I have a lot on my plate right now and it all melted away as the temperatures soared. I felt comfortable and home. Mark this as the first time I have ever felt like I belonged in Arizona. It was always some weird resort place without a beach, but I think from this day on it will be home. The nights are balmy, perfect for smoking outside and contemplating life. Thoughts cut like a razor on nights like these.
I wish that when I went to the improv show tonight that I could have been rolling in the aisles, laughing my ass off. I wish I could be that person instead of the one that I am, sometimes. I know I disappointed Tim when he saw I wasn’t laughing, and I am really sorry for that. Tim is so damn optimistic about things and I hate to let him down because he hyped up the show so much. I came there with the best intentions, but all I could think about was how unique the four were.
I’m not trying to be an elitist, but we were something else back then. We took that stage and bent it anyway we wanted. Each of us created personas that the audience loved, and until I see something like that again, I think I will just always look at that small little stage and remember what it was like when we were all together. We’ve all gone our separate ways since then. It’s amazing to think how far we could all go, DC to New York, Trevor to ASU, Matt to MCC and me to Chicago (hopefully). Truth be told, I never got to do improv with Andrew, but he’s just as much a member of the four as I was.
I like going to bed knowing I never had to win the coat to be remembered in Theatre Company. As much of an honor as it is to win the coat, I feel there is a greater honor in theatre company, and that is the honor of legend. I did not realize it until tonight, but the four are legendary in Theatre Company. No matter what happens, as long as Theatre Company is around there will be stories heralding back to the four, and how incredibly talented they all were. I like the fact that there were really five to the four, and I am proud to share that forth position with Andrew. I like the fact that in years to come our names may be forgotten, but someone will utter the “freshman four” in that drama hall. All of us were together then, and nothing could have been simpler. Together we created and destroyed worlds. Apart we will do even greater things, but for four years we were the living embodiment of theatre company.
When I was watching the improv show I was saddened that all of us could not be there, laughing together. I think I would have laughed at everything if Trevor, DC, Andrew and Matt were there with me. Rebels Without Applause is great, you all have to be proud of yourselves for coming out there and giving it your all to an eager audience. Keep at it, work hard and it will pay off, I promise. Don’t lose sight of what improv is though, and why you do it.
I do it because I love to make others laugh, there is no greater reward. I do it because I get to pretend I am five years old again and the world has no rules. For an hour every week I get to be anything I want to be. For an hour I can do anything or be anywhere I want. For an hour I get to love, hate, and make-up with someone in front of others. Every time I go out there I learn something new, something amazing. I learned that if I want to continue this I need to leave, just like DC did. Just like Matt did, just like Trevor did, just like Andrew. I think they all found what works for them, maybe some of them don’t know it, but it’s there.
Tim, I’m sorry I didn’t laugh as much as I should have. I have a lot on my mind and it is weighing heavily upon me. I promise I will keep going though, I have to. I need to know where I came from, I need to be reminded of what I loved. It was good to see you Mt. Pointe, more specifically Rebels Without Applause.
“When the time comes will you get what you deserve,
When the time comes will you paint the sky in red,
When the time comes will leave with all your dreams?”
My last entry was vague and I apologize. Writing it out is scary, scarier than anything I have ever done before. In two weeks I will know if I move to Chicago and pursue my dreams Felicity-style. Don’t hate me for those of you I have not told, and for those of you I did understand that I need this. Arizona is great, but I have never felt at home here. I doubt I will in Chicago either, but I got to give it a try. I don’t hate Arizona, and I don’t want to leave, but I have to, for me.
Nothing is for sure, I may not get into the school I applied to: but I hope against hope that I do. It’s funny to find myself praying every night for that letter in the mail, that bulky package that is so full of acceptance information and what to do next jazz. To be a freshman all over in a sprawling city would be incredible. Not to mention the accessibility of the rest of the country from the middle. If I’m lonely I’ll fly home for the weekend and see my friends, or take a train in visit DC in the real city, or…the possibilities are limitless. The idea is really starting to take form in my mind but then I remember what my life will be without if I leave Arizona:
Then I think how wonderful it would be to have seen them all grow up when I do come back and I ask myself how I can deny myself the opportunity. Everyone walks their own path, and I thought I knew what mine was. Now I can’t see around the corner and I am running at full speed.
Thanks DC; I don't know if I ever told you that before.
I’m convinced the world would be a better place with Tupac still in it. All things considered, he was a modern poet-warrior. He was a reformed thug who saw the world differently. His music is beautiful. It’s catchy and it has a message, damn. Ever tried doing that? I haven’t either. Do yourself a favor and download some of his stuff. If you don’t like it don’t tell me, you’ll waste my time.
“I once contemplated suicide, and woulda tried, but when I held that nine all I saw was my mama’s eyes…”-Thugz Mansion
Now I am mad I was ever sentimental towards Ruby’s. Fuck that dump. I cannot believe a single night can change the entire way I think about that place, but it did.
I am not one to say I hate Corporate America because I fully support consumerism. However, the Ruby’s corporation can suck my balls. Choke chode. Instead of closing, our Ruby’s is staying open but laying off all its employees and farming in new ones from neighboring Ruby’s to replace us. The fucking audacity of this is absurd. All the people from our location that retained their jobs should be ashamed of themselves. To me, that place was a little more than money in the pocket, but not for you, huh? I didn’t work there because I had to: I worked there because I wanted to. I understand that some people there have families and need to look after what is important, but I assure you if this doesn’t come crashing down in your face something will sometime.
It reminds of that old story about the man who did nothing when people were being taken away from him. He did nothing and eventually when someone came for him there was no one left to help him. It’s like that. Obviously I am still pissed about this whole ordeal, but with good reason. My co-workers and I deserve better than this. We worked our asses off for Ruby’s only to get fired after two years of exemplary service. Customers did not go there for the food, they went there to see Katie be crazy, to see Nicole act like a ditz, to see me look like an idiot, to see something they did not expect. We were the ones that saved Ruby’s from going under in the first place and now that our job is done, so are we. It’s a fucking shame that I hate that place, a fucking shame.